She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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