I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The best revenge is premature balding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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