The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
