i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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