Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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