Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
false alarm. still invincible.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
