Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you had me at cake vodka
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
