My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
