i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
false alarm, still single
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