No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
