I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
