I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
