Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
