Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
