You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
