what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
