she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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