just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
