I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
