Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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