I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
