i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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