I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
