I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
