Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
