I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
