Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You ate ashes out of my bong
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
