All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize