Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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