I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
50% drunk capacity currently
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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