It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
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Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.