I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.