just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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