So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
