She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
