i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
