Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
