so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
