You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
