she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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