i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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