I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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