I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
