I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
