I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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