dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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