I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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