She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
