this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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