god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
