I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
