The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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