i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
