im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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