I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
