Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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