How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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