you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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