We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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