just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
