Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
