brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.