Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
