i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
only you would photoshop your dick
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
