A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
