All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
